It is near enough two in the morning right now, and what I have in my left hand is not what my mother would approve of. But my mother is not here. The time indicates that tomorrow is going to begin with waking up mid-afternoon with the instant feeling of regret. Regret for the loss of a morning. I know what your morning is going to be like tomorrow. I have had many mornings like it. It is not much easier now. Your struggle only begins, the sadness that you’re going to begin to carry is going to tear at your shoulders. Now is not the time to lose any strength, because you are going to need it.
Checked the weather report and it looks like London is back to its old tricks. Thunder Thursday, now I don’t feel completely guilty because who can get a tan in the middle of a thunder storm. Now one will not have to worry about hiding inside, instead of sitting at park alone reading book alone and eating alone. The lack of sunshine is depressing, it is almost a pathetic fallacy to the conditions of the world, there are a lot of sad stories emerging this year. And when these sad stories emerge so do the pointing fingers, blame makes it somewhat easier to handle unless you are the ones being blamed. I understand I went from weather to sad stories in like two sentences, but it is two in the morning and this splurge tells me I am better off sleeping right now. But sleeping is the last thing I want to do, and it’s gonna get deep.
So what is it that I want to say, why am I awake, and why at this hour am I reaching for my laptop? I haven’t written this much since the night before my dissertation was due in. The fact that my eyes are blurring over, and the yawning is becoming more frequent has been confirmed that bed is probably the best thing for me. But maybe I should experiment; make myself all hazy, whilst tired with a lost head and see where I end up?
I understand what is missing, it is like a story cannot exist without love. And love is what is absent from my life at the moment. But love at the moment comes at a cost, and I am out of tokens. I’ve got some twat, that isn’t persistent enough to be taken into consideration (fuckboy), and I’ve got an ex who is just a dead fantasy. I’ve not had any dates. But I’ve not exactly put myself on the market, unless you count the number of lesbian come-ons I’ve had. But I suppose things have been a bit messy with the ex, and after all these months (starting to lose count, good thing I suppose?) things are only just calming down. He called me like a hundred times yesterday, but today no calls. This is what I wanted; no contact. He is horrible to me. He is not good to me. Feels like one is re-explaining why one should not talk to that horrid man. One in fact does not want to speak to him, and is not bothered by his lack of valiancy.
You can love anyone, and you will meet so many people in your life time, and there are going to be certain people you cross who you have immense chemistry with. But just because you love someone does not mean he is the right one for you. It is hard to let go of that certain chemistry because it is rare. The secret of its power is that it sets up unachievable expectations that a lot of other people who fate guide you to have no chance of competing. But if we could have this with anyone it means that it would not be special anymore, and love would lose its value. True love would be nothing without the hardships. It is coming out together through hard times that works under the law of that purity. But when the guy you are in love with cheats on you, no longer brings you happiness and in no way respects you it is not true love. Are you skipping over that sentence because the truth hurts? He is a dick, in a sea of dicks ready to pass on the journey. It is a tester before the real thing. It is the honesty that we do not like about love, the truth is that the ones we love on the way are the ones that don’t get to hold your hand at the finish line. Those are the guys you leave, to get towards the finish line, where you can look back on all that has happened with no grievance but love towards the one that is holding you hand. He is ready to lead you towards the golden path that now lies ahead of you. But you will never have that if you are stuck at the starting line with someone who wants to keep you there. This is me leaving him at the starting line. He is not ready to begin, but are you? Are you ready to leave, begin?
I know, who wants to make the hard journey on their own. Not even a hand to dangle and cope with along the way. But trust me, that’s not a hand you want to hold. Take mine, I’m walking that way anyway.